An empty feeling... you feel
so hollow at that moment, so frozen that you can not even cry... you are at a
loss for words, you feel that this is not enough to express your sadness, the sorrow
you feel, the despair that you are experiencing. You wonder why, why now, why
me, why this way? Why? Why? There are so many ‘why’ and it does not make any
sense, not even to express them, it does not even worth it to whisper them...
so you keep them deep inside you with the tears which do not have the power to
come out and be shed. Just frozen as they fall on your soul they make it even
more painful.
And you feel like walking on a long and
endless corridor... as if you needed it so as to give you time to think... and
you realize that time stops for a while... time is already stopped... and you are
stopped the way you are frozen... you don’t pain anymore, you do not think of
anything... it's all empty... it's all unsavory... it's all distant...
And you just feel ... or perhaps
you don’t feel anything? You feel an immense emptiness that covers everything...
This is how the loss is...
you've felt it again and this is so familiar to you. But what changes every
time is the tension, it's actually the degree of the emptiness you feel... but
you always feel the same emptiness... the same numbness, the same feeling of
wanting to run away but your legs cannot uplift your weight... and moreover, sooner
or later you would understand that wherever you’ll go the loss is following you,
your feelings will be present ... you can not get away from them...
Many thoughts surround your
mind... they surround your deeper inner self.
You are thinking that the
losses were always difficult... you were always hated the farewells... and let
alone when you have to convince yourself about this ‘forever’... things will be like that ‘forever’…
stop hoping, stop believing that there will be a return... no, there is no
return in the losses. You know that this is exactly what bothers you most...
Give an end to your mind as well... because after a loss you always hope and
hope... waiting for the change toward back...
Perhaps the losses are training
you so as to STOP to live with illusions... everything that ends is definitive,
everything is definitive after the breaking up, no matter how it pains, it makes
no sense to hope... Stop trying to hope that everything will change once again and
it will be like it was before...
What a lie! What a fallacy!
What an illusion!!!
Just think a little of that
farewell, which hurt you more. You knew it from the beginning... it all ended
that day when he decided it... you saw the scenario unfolding in front of your
eyes... you could not stand the role you ought to have and you just turned into
a viewer... to a non-partisan and distant spectator... without emotion, without
engagement, without expectations... but you still kept in hope deep inside
you... though you knew.... though you knew that everything was over...
Yes, you had to compromise
then... after the farewell and taking the road of the return, to try to realize
it and to compromise, just to compromise... Stop giving just an extension to
the pain, to experience a prolonged empty feeling... this is painful and it
costs much more than an instant empty feeling... and then every time the
exhaustion... the despair... the pessimism... come along.
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